In the decades I’ve worked with parents in various formats, I’ve seen A LOT of super angry kids and highly worried parents. It comes with teaching middle schoolers for 10 years. No one enjoys teenager angst. BUT, with a positive view on it, it can become your parental ally.
First of all…anger is an emotion that is globally expressed and globally misunderstood, mistreated, and very much underutilized.
I could definitely write a lengthy book on the dos and don’ts of anger…Hey! Maybe I’ll do that! Until then, Empowering Kids: Other People’s Decisions will help with understanding anger in addition to this blog.
What is anger?
Anger is…
A communicator
An energy
A personal expression to go through vs. staying in it
A purposeful, attention-getting trigger that will only go away when faced (for both the angry and the receivers of anger)
A normal, gifted emotion
Notice not one of those descriptors mentioned anger being a nuisance to society, doom and gloom, or any kind of damnation about anger. Again, if properly addressed, anger can be your parental ally.
The Freedom Ticket
Anger appears for a reason. A good reason. A very good reason. In fact, it appears always for a positive and purposeful reason. Simply, anger wants to communicate. It wants to communicate so much that it’ll do you and anyone angry the favor of hanging around until it gets its voice heard. And, if it isn’t heard in the beginning, it’ll do you and anyone the favor of growing bigger, louder, and annoying-er until it gets the attention it wants.
Anger is a Divine, intelligent energy that has a mission. Its mission is to communicate a proper human expression that has bubbled up from the depths of a Soul’s journey.
Now that it has been brought to the surface, allowing its voice is the only way it’ll be released.
This is the ticket to releasing anger: listen to what it has to say. (This is completely different than listening to anger, becoming angrier, and doing angry things.) Anger doesn’t want to hurt anyone or anything. It wants to be heard.
Think of anger as a messenger. Once the message is told to the correct person, and that person really hears the message to the point the person can heal, it leaves. Job done. Gone.
For example, I used to be quite angry with a college roommate. This person was quite intrusive, bossy, nosey, and always seemed to be three steps ahead of me. It wasn’t a good roommate match. Over time, I developed a very strong anger emotion within me. It got so strong (because I tried to keep it quiet by ignoring it) that I started to have a physical reaction. I’ll never forget that sensation. Sorta freaked me out.
Even then, I tried to keep my anger under control – at least that is what I thought was happening. I got rid of this roommate as soon as I could. There. That was that, right?
Wrong. The anger continued even when this person was no longer in my life. Memories would pop up, and anger would pop up. Someone would mention this person, and the anger returned. Looking at my college yearbook, Boom! Anger again.
Truth is my anger stuck around for years. Why? It had a message for me. And it waited…pretty patiently, but it got bigger, louder, and annoying-er.
Anger kept knocking my door until I recognized its existence, I mentally turned around and looked at it, and I truly heard the message to the point I could do something about it. Then, it left.
- I recognized its existence
- I mentally looked at my anger
- I listened to its message
- I did what I had to do to heal
If you are curious, that particular anger’s message was: find your voice, stand up for who you are, stop being influenced by others, but rather listen to your own drumbeat, be authentic, know your truth, write your truth, be your spirit in your borrowed body suit on a life experience known as Lizabeth, and forgive yourself for succumbing to others’ opinions, ideas, suggestions, and beliefs. Stay in your lane, Lizabeth!
Surprising Thankfulness And Gratitude.
Because this anger occurred in my life, I am now thankful for the (obnoxiously overbearing) roommate!
I am thankful for the anger because the anger was my path, my urging, and my not-so-fun pushing me toward Who I Really Am.
I am thankful for the anger because it had a message that continues to help me to this day.
I am thankful for the anger because I needed it to tell me a message so that I could truly begin my path to becoming authentically Lizabeth.
So, when a child (or anyone) is angry, it is an unopened message from anger.
When a teen slams the door shut, it is an unread “email” from anger.
When an offspring yells, “I don’t like you anymore,” it’s another still sealed letter from anger.
When a toddler stomps his feet while angrily screaming, it is an unexperienced path to anger’s message.
When a student pushes, shoves, or hits another student, it is a now a recently discovered avenue to anger’s communication.
These undesirable actions are anger’s communication knocking at the door of the child who stated it, stomped his feet, punched the student, or slammed the door and not (necessarily) the receiver of such actions.
When a child punches a hole in the wall, it’s a very loud action that indicates there is much information that needs to be heard asap.
So allow anger its voice.
Parent Knowledge Is Power!
As a parent, wouldn’t you rather know than not know what is occurring in your child’s mind, emotions, and body? Anger is communication that turns into parental knowledge!
“I don’t know why she is acting like that,” becomes a thing of the past. Anger that is allowed its voice brings forth knowledge.
Fear of anger is detrimental. Mistreating anger as in shunning the person expressing anger or putting her in an uncomfortable situation as in in-school suspension room is unfavorable. And…while sitting in the in-school suspension room getting even angrier thinking of ways to get revenge, anger won’t go away so might as well utilize the anger situation to release it. Positively and properly using anger is empowering.
Anger Wants To Talk. Are We Listening?
- Acknowledge the anger. “I can see that you are angry. It is a normal human emotion.” Or, “I can tell that I am extremely angry right now.”
- Pause long enough to write, talk, journal, yell, draw, move, dance, bounce a ball, run, use an anger pillow, use an anger baseball bat (a rolled entire newspaper against something safe like cement or sidewalk), punch a punching bag, karate chop/smash an empty, large refrigerator box, etc. while being the voice for the anger.
- Ask: “What is coming out while you are smashing that box?” “What does your anger tell you?” Or, personally, “I am listening anger. What are you wanting to tell me?”
- Identify what the anger is saying. Write it down.
- Create together a looooooong list of options to resolve what the anger is revealing.
- Choose options from the long list that will create a win-win result.
- Have an anger release celebration or ceremony that includes thankfulness for the anger. Ask angels to remove the anger permanently and completely now that it is finished. Burn what was written down to complete the ceremony.
- If the anger surfaces again about the same circumstances, ask the anger, “Is there more I need to know?” If no, remind the anger that it is complete. Ask the angels to remove any fragments or residual emotions tied with the situation. If it is yes, then go back to Step 2 as the anger has more to say.
Always knowing you have options with everything, even with anger, is quite empowering. Anger in itself is a gift. It’s what we do with anger that gives its questionable reputation. We have choice with all subjects including anger. Allow anger its voice, and it’ll be released.